Friday, October 24, 2008

Sounds the Heart Makes

When I first decided to get help in my quest to get rid of Edie, I was sent to a doctor to take all sorts of tests - including an EKG. Pads hooked to wires were placed all over me, as the nurse tried to make sure she had everything set to obtain an accurate reading of my heart.

As I laid there, deeply breathing in and out as she instructed me to do, I wondered what my heart was telling them. My therapist was afraid my heart was telling them I was weakened, that by having Edie in my life for so long, my body was slowly breaking down - dysfunctional at best. My doctor was afraid my my heart would tell her that I had done irreparable damage, and that she would have yet another victim of an eating disorder.

What did I think my heart was saying? While everyone else feared for what my beats sounded out, I was wishing my heart was strong, was healthy despite what I had put it through. I was wishing that even though I had given up on myself long ago, there was still a chance my heart was strong enough to pull us both through - to give me a second chance to be rid of Edie.

So, what sounds did my heart make? It wasn't dysfunctional, like my doctor feared. It wasn't weak, like my therapist deemed.

It made the sound of a resilient heart - a resound and steady beat of hope.

6 comments:

MelissaS said...

i'm so glad to read that your heart is fine. i've had my share of tests.i love what you wrote on Every Woman Has An Eating Disorder. My boyfriend has the same relationship with my ED. on my blog, my last post was I Am My Eating Disorder, because i really think it's part of my DNA now. i wonder what you think of that. by the way, i know that i'm many things in addition to that, but i am my eating disorder. it's always with me. i look forward to reading your blog, and i'm going to add you to blogs i follow.

Erin said...

Hey Stina,

Well first, I'm relieved to know that your heart is just as resilient as your spirit obviously is. I read your letter on EWHAED and I seriously had a tear in my eye when I read that you managed to cast Edie aside during the wedding ceremony and honeymoon. Surely, Every Woman Deserves a Break (especially when they're getting married, right?!?!?) But then of course, I could just see myself doing the same thing when looking back through the pictures.

I don't know which I hate more. Seeing the pictures -- or always being the person in the group who takes every photo because I just can't bear to be in front of the camera.

emmy. said...

i love this entry and - of course - am so happy to know your heart is doing well. i'm already very excited to continue reading your story, and i see that you are new to the blog community. welcome :)

i look forward to future posts. you're surrounded by a beautiful group of writers here :)

azusmom said...

Beautiful!

'neice said...

I came over here from EWHAED and thank you for sharing! Look forward to reading more.

Gayle said...

Another fan here - so glad your heart is well!